The One Thing That Scares Me The Most

women-loveThis past week as I searched for quotes to post on my Jolly Moments Facebook page, I came across this one from Eleanor Roosevelt.

“Do something that scares you everyday”

As soon as I read this quote, I knew what I needed to do.

When I was three, my father, two older brothers, and uncle went on a fishing trip. This one decision forever changed our family.

My oldest brother loved to wear cowboy boots. The boots he loved caused him to slip in the water and a current took him under. My uncle jumped in to save him. Neither made it out.

My father jumped in and probably would have met the same fate if bystanders hadn’t pulled him out.

My mother, my surviving brother, and I never blamed my father, but some of my family did. With so much anger, confusion, and pain resulting from this tragic event, my mother felt she had no choice but to choose her extended family over my father.

As a result, I did not see my father often as a child. This led to me not seeing him often as an adult.

So here we are decades later and my father and I still do not have a strong relationship. It’s not that we don’t want it. I just think after so much time apart, along with the circumstances that caused the separation, we don’t know how.

 

FEAR. GUILT. BLAME. SHAME. REGRET. HEARTACHE. DENIAL. CONFUSION.

 

Over the years, so many emotions tortured those impacted by my brother and uncle’s death.  It is time to replace it all with something new.

 

LOVE! HOPE! FORGIVENESS! HEALING! ACCEPTANCE!

 

I am ready to do something that scares me, and that is seeking to have a relationship with my father.

I tried at 30, and even tried at 33 when I asked him to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.

Although with each attempt, FEAR never allowed me to stick with it, there is one thing I know for sure:

Love NEVER gives up, NEVER loses faith, is ALWAYS hopeful, and ENDURES through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT)

I used to wonder what life would look life if my brother were still here and that day never happened. I know I cannot change the past. BUT, I can change what happens from this day forward.

As long as my father and I both remain on this earth, there is an opportunity and hope for a relationship.

Although it scares me, I choose to believe LOVE NEVER FAILS!

~Keishawna
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13 thoughts on “The One Thing That Scares Me The Most

  1. Thank you for sharing this story. What a beautiful way to look at it. I’m so sorry for the distance in your family, but i love that you continue to hope. I hope you draw closer to your father!

    Liked by 1 person

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